What do we do when we feel sadness, disappointment, frustration, or other strong emotions?
Five years ago, I wrote about how to notice and validate other people’s feelings. Now we turn the focus inward – how to validate your own feelings, understand the message they carry, and take a kind next step. I’ll share simple examples and practical steps that help to stay present – listen, understand, and support.
Why It’s Difficult to Stay With Our Feelings
So many clients in therapy have shared with me that staying present and validating their emotions feels difficult and unfamiliar at first. This is completely understandable. If no one consistently noticed our feelings in childhood, reflected them back to us, and supported us in staying present, we simply didn’t learn that skill.
A child’s ability to feel and regulate emotions develops through how the adults around them handle their own emotions and how they support the child with big feelings (co-regulation). Usually, this is not about bad intentions – if a parent is emotionally overwhelmed and lacks support or the skills to seek help, a child may learn that feelings are heavy and have no real solution. For example, if a child hears, “Stop crying right now,” they learn that feelings are uncomfortable and should be avoided. If they hear, “I see you’re sad – would you like to talk or would a hug help?” they learn that feelings are safe and can be felt.
So there’s no need to blame yourself if you don’t yet know how to stay present with your emotions – if the feelings were very big and you didn’t know what to do, it’s natural that you tried to escape them. Often, emotional suppression repeats across generations until someone in the family starts noticing and befriending their feelings – breaks the pattern.
The good news: staying present with feelings and practicing self-validation are skills. You can learn them and get better over time.
Suppressing and Ignoring Feelings
We experience a range of emotions – sometimes light and brief, other times strong and overwhelming. When we try to push feelings down or fight them, they usually don’t disappear. Instead, they tend to build up and later show up as anxiety, tension, or other bodily symptoms.
Avoiding or suppressing emotions creates a double load: we carry a heavy feeling and also spend energy hiding it. Inner tension grows. Suppression is also linked with unhelpful coping – reaching for numbing substances, getting lost in addictive behaviours, or becoming very controlling toward the environment – all to avoid what we feel and what’s truly happening inside.
Suppressed emotions are like boiling water under a lid – sooner or later they burst out, often at the wrong time and more intensely than we would like. That might look like sudden anger outbursts or a flat “nothing matters” feeling. Suppressing emotions can also lead to general numbness, making it harder to feel joy and other brighter states.
What Improves When You Start Validating Your Feelings?
When we allow ourselves to feel and validate our emotions, we can:
- experience inner relief – tension or anxiety are felt/seen and can soften;
- understand our needs, boundaries, and who we are better – emotions can be messengers with useful information;
- reduce harsh self-criticism and disproportionate reactions (like anger outbursts) – when we notice and gently attend to feelings early, inner tension (and self-criticism) is less likely to snowball;
- build healthier relationships, because understanding ourselves and others becomes easier.
By validating a feeling, we acknowledge and name it. If I feel this way, then right now this is my experience – and there is a reason for it. We don’t have to fix anything immediately; first, we simply stay present with what is. Curiosity helps too – I wonder why I feel this, what might this emotion want me to know?
A Practical Metaphor – The Crying Child
A comparison I often share in sessions is to imagine your intense emotion as a small child who is crying/upset.
When a child comes to you, you don’t usually push them away. You pay attention, listen, and comfort them (and help with solutions if needed). Our own feelings need the same.
If you feel anxious, sad, or disappointed, imagine the feeling as a child at your door. If you push the child away, they cry more loudly and knock harder. If you welcome them, listen, and offer comfort and support, they settle more quickly. The same happens in your inner world – the feeling can move through like a wave.
Feeling vs Fact – Validate the Emotion, Not Every Action
Validating a feeling means acknowledging it – not automatically justifying behaviour or the situation. Feelings can carry important messages, yet rushed conclusions made when feeling intense emotions are not always objective. In short: a feeling ≠ a fact.
- For example, feeling anger is true about the emotion (anger), but it doesn’t always mean the other person did something wrong (conclusion). Sometimes anger reflects helplessness or pain rooted in earlier experiences or childhood.
- For example, feeling sad can be natural if someone dear cancels a meeting at the last minute – the feeling is real and deserves attention, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care or that the relationship is over.
- For example, feeling disappointed when a new project fails is understandable, but it doesn’t mean the person is incapable or should stop bringing ideas to life.
In each case, the emotion still matters and is worth exploring: What does this feeling need? What is it trying to tell me? You can also ask: Is this more about the current situation, or is there something deeper being triggered?
If you’re unsure whether the feeling reflects the situation accurately, it can help to talk with a trusted person or a therapist. They can help you understand whether the feeling fits the present (and perhaps invites communication or a change) or whether past pain is also surfacing. Sometimes both are true at once – the current event affected you, and old hurt (trigger) arose alongside it.
We validate the feeling, not the action. Given the context and each person’s life story, the emotion is understandable – yet that does not mean actions taken in an intense state are justified.
- For example, when anger arises, we can choose respectful communication and non-violent action instead of shouting or hurting.
- For example, when we feel envy, instead of putting someone down, we can ask what the feeling reveals about our own wishes and dreams.
How to Validate Your Own Feelings
Below are sample sentences and short guidance to help you notice and validate your feelings and support yourself.
Simple Phrases for Self-Validation and Support
- “Right now I feel …”
- “I allow myself to feel this and I accept my emotion. I am staying present with myself, and what I experience matters.”
- “It’s natural that I feel this way right now.”
- “It is okay to feel different emotions at the same time. Situations can bring up mixed feelings. It’s valid to feel sad, angry, and disappointed – I allow all of these.”
- “I don’t have to find a solution to this feeling immediately – first I acknowledge it and stay present.”
Notice What Is Happening in Your Body
Emotions are usually felt in the body. Notice where you feel the emotion and how it shows up (for example, restlessness, discomfort, tension, heaviness, warmth, a “lump” in the throat), and what your body seems to reach for (a movement, a sigh, a shake, grounding, support).
Emotions go hand in hand with the nervous system. By supporting nervous system regulation, you can create more inner safety so the emotion can soften or move through like a wave. Helpful practices include longer exhalations, relaxing the shoulders, slowly letting your gaze move around the room, giving yourself a gentle hug, and feeling your feet on the ground. If these don’t help and your system feels very dysregulated, you may need more regular practices or different kinds of support. I hope to write more on nervous system regulation on the blog soon.
- “I notice what is happening in my body. I’m present and I offer myself support.”
A Step Further – What Is the Feeling Telling Me?
As a next step (or earlier, if it feels right), turn toward the feeling with curiosity. Ask: “What made me feel this way?” or “What is this feeling trying to tell me?” Stay open and kind as you listen to yourself.
Questions that also help:
- “What happened just before I started to feel this way?”
- “What do I need right now?”
- “What would support me?”
Reflecting on these gives you clues about how to support yourself and what to communicate, adjust or change in your life (if needed).
Also, another helpful question:
- “Is this feeling mainly about what’s happening now, or is it reminding me of something that has happened before?”
This helps you see where the feeling comes from and how to care for yourself. Below are lines you can use when old pain (a trauma trigger) surfaces.
How to Validate When Feelings From the Past Surface
Choose what fits the moment and your needs. These lines include both validation and gentle empowerment.
- “Considering everything I’ve been through, my feeling makes sense. I’m staying present with myself.”
- “If I didn’t have enough emotional support, it’s natural that this has been hard. I was alone with many things.”
- “As a child I couldn’t always leave or change the situation. Now I’m an adult and I have more options.”
- “I did the best I could at the time – I didn’t know how to do it differently.”
- “It’s over now and I survived. I made it through.”
- “I deserve support, attention, and love.”
You can also imagine speaking to your younger self (your “inner child”) who once felt this pain or other strong emotion. Today, with more years and experience, you can offer yourself the understanding, support, and encouraging presence you once needed.
When to Seek Extra Support
Consider reaching out for help if you notice:
- the emotion is very intense for a long time or disrupts daily life;
- trauma memories or dissociation are surfacing (dissociation is an unconscious protection where mind and body partially “separate” – you might feel numb, as if watching from the outside, or not remember some of what happened);
- you keep criticising yourself even after practicing self-compassion and validation;
- avoidance or harmful habits are becoming more frequent to cope with feelings;
- you struggle to feel or stay present with your emotions (for example, ongoing numbness or “checking out”).
In these cases, therapy or counselling can be a helpful next step. In a crisis, contact local emergency services. You don’t have to be alone with this – understanding and relief are possible.
Frequently Asked Questions About How to Validate Your Feelings
Does validating my feelings keep me “stuck”?
No. Fighting a feeling tends to keep it stuck. A listened-to emotion can settle; an unheard one often lingers in the background or grows stronger.
What if my feeling is “wrong”?
A feeling can reflect past hurt that gets activated in the present. The experience is real, but it may not describe today’s situation accurately. Be curious and gentle with yourself.
I don’t have time to feel.
A short check-in (30–60 seconds) is better than nothing. Regular brief practice helps release tension as it appears and reduces bigger emotional outbursts later.
Is it okay to sometimes redirect my attention?
Self-validation doesn’t mean you must always dive deep right away. Sometimes worry thoughts spiral in the mind and the feeling grows too big because of the thoughts. In such moments, a healthy choice can be to gently shift attention – go for a walk, do something with your hands, or choose a lighter task. This helps the nervous system settle. Later, when you have more capacity, you can come back to the feeling and be curious about how you can support yourself.
There isn’t one “always right” response for every situation – the more comfortable you become with your emotions, the easier it is to choose an approach that fits what you currently need.
Summary – Notice, Validate, Support
Just as we want others to listen and understand, it’s a big step to offer that to ourselves.
You can start wih small steps: notice one feeling, say one kind sentence, ask one curious question. You don’t have to master everything at once.
If you have avoided emotions for a long time, be gentle with yourself. Becoming more comfortable and befriending your feelings is a journey – a journey that takes you closer to yourself and your truth.
If you would like to read about how to support others when they have strong emotions, see my earlier article: “A Step by Step Guide to Validating (Other People’s) Emotions and Feelings“
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