A Step by Step Guide to Validating Emotions and Feelings

Recall a situation when you felt hurt, sad, scared, or angry and decided to share your feelings with someone. How did they respond? Did their reaction make you feel understood and supported, or did it leave you feeling even more hurt?

Unfortunately, sharing our worries is often met with responses that are more harmful than helpful. For example:

Does that sound familiar to you?

Many people also tend to take someone’s shared feelings or concerns as a personal attack and respond with blame or defensiveness. This can make the person who opened up feel even worse. Over time, experiences like this can lead people to stop talking about what they are going through, suppress their emotions, or withdraw from social interactions altogether.

So what do we really need in a situation like this?

When I share my sadness, fears, or other feelings, the very first thing I need is to feel truly heard. Perhaps this is something you — and your loved ones — also long for? When we sense that someone has really listened and understood us, it becomes much easier to move toward solutions and a calmer emotional state.

A crucial part of active listening and truly understanding someone is validating that person’s feelings and emotions. In this article, I will explore validation and invalidation in depth, so you can better support the people you care about — and also yourself.

Side note: In my examples, I mostly use the pronoun they (instead of “he” or “she”) so that the advice is inclusive and easy to read. While women are often more openly expressive about their emotional needs, men also deeply need validation, and their feelings deserve the same care and acknowledgment.

What Is Validation and Validating Feelings?

Validating means giving another person a direct and clear message that their experience is understandable, real, and logical, given what has happened. It communicates empathy, respect, and emotional support. By validating another person’s emotions and feelings, you can prevent conflicts, create more mutual understanding, and build harmonious relationships.

In my experience as a coach and therapist, empathy combined with sincere validation is one of the most powerful forces for connection in any relationship. And it’s equally important to remember self-validation — giving yourself permission to feel what you feel. Practicing self-validation reduces internal conflicts, fosters self-trust, and increases your sense of security and well-being.

Later in this article, you’ll find practical examples of how to validate feelings in different situations.

Validation Reduces Emotional Pain and Helps to End Suffering

We all experience sadness, pain, fears, and other emotions from time to time. However, it is often not the feelings themselves that are the hardest to bear, but the experience of going through them alone. People who are left alone with their suffering and their perceived reality often suffer the most — and, at the same time, no one truly sees what is happening to them.

When a person is in emotional pain and feels isolated, it usually doesn’t help if someone who is content with their own life tells them to “focus on the positive.” An anxious and lonely person first needs their pain, suffering, and sense of isolation to be acknowledged. They need to be seen in their reality.

When someone steps into that reality with them, listens, and validates their feelings, healing can begin. They are no longer invisible or alone in their distress, and the weight of suffering starts to lift.

A Big Step Closer to a Solution and a Sense of Security

When someone shares their hurt, emotions, or worries with you, they want you to notice and truly acknowledge what they are feeling. Validating feelings helps the person feel understood, experience relief, and—if needed—look at the situation from a new perspective. Emotional validation reassures them that you are on their side, and they are no longer alone with their feelings. This creates a safe space for open conversation and, if appropriate, for finding a solution together. Sometimes, validation alone is enough for the other person to start feeling better.

Validating someone’s emotions is also an effective way to prevent or reduce conflicts. It increases intimacy and emotional safety because the other person feels seen, appreciates that you listened and made an effort to understand.

Emotional validation is especially important when raising children because a child’s perception of themselves is largely shaped by the reflections they receive in communication with others.

By reflecting a child’s emotions back to them and supporting them in regulating these emotions, the child learns to notice and understand their inner world. Over time, this builds a strong connection with themselves. A supportive environment for a child’s emotions, feelings, and reactions fosters emotional intelligence and gradually teaches them to respond appropriately to their surroundings.

How to Validate Emotions and Feelings?

When validating emotions and feelings, try to be as genuine as possible. Remembering a few key phrases can be a helpful starting point, but try to go beyond repeating memorized lines — use wording that feels natural to you and adapt your response to the specific situation.

1. Start by being present and truly listening. When a person shares their experience and feelings with you, try to listen from their point of view. Use open body language, turning towards the speaker. You can maintain occasional eye contact, but be mindful not to cause discomfort if the person needs more space. Remember that you already offer support and do a lot by simply listening.

2. Use verbal and non-verbal cues. If you are not sure what else to say, you can use simple nods and phrases like “I am listening to you,” “Mhm.” If appropriate, ask gentle follow-up questions to deepen understanding:

3. Reflect and validate what they have said. After you have listened to another person’s sharing of thoughts and feelings, reflect on what they have said. In addition to reflecting on the situation, show that you understand them by using sentences such as:

To make validation more personal, you can replace words like “this” and “the situation” with a brief description of what the person just shared. You can also repeat or name the emotions they mentioned. For example:

4. If it seems appropriate, briefly share your own example. You can also briefly share an example from your own experience, but do not go deep into it or tell your story for a long time. Otherwise, the person may start to feel left alone with their situation or feel unimportant. In general, it’s best to listen more and talk less. For example, you can briefly mention a situation where something similar happened to you and how you felt the same way. This shows that you understand the other person’s experience even more deeply. It is also a great way to make the person feel that their feelings and reactions are normal – the person sees that they are not the only one who has been in such a situation and felt that way.

5. Be prepared for deeper sharing. Once you have validated the person’s feelings, they may want to add something to the story or share their feelings even more deeply, as you have provided a safe space for that. For example, they might add, “Yes, it hurt me so much because of this, and because of that…”. Then you can listen, reflect, and validate again…

6. Support moving forward if needed. With active listening, reflection, and validation, the person feels more and more understood, and this will likely bring them some sense of relief. That may be enough support for them, and they may be drawn to change the subject. However, if the topic goes even deeper, you can also support the speaker with the following questions:

The last questions open the door to look at the issue more broadly and move towards a solution.

7. Address your own role if needed. If the person has shared hurt caused by your behavior, address your role while validating their feelings. Notice your influence and show your readiness to discuss this topic in more detail and find suitable solutions for both of you. For example:

8. Check before moving on. If you feel that the discussion is about to be completed, check how the person feels. Ask whether they want to add or ask something more before moving on to a new topic. If they feel that enough has been said about the subject, then perhaps they have already changed the topic on their own initiative.

Invalidation (What Not to Say)

When a person shares their feelings or experiences with you, don’t respond by embarrassing, blaming, or stigmatizing their feelings. The person opened up and showed their vulnerability, and if you don’t listen or respond in a supportive way, they may feel that you do not understand them and feel alone. This will lessen the likelihood that the person will come to share something vulnerable with you in the future. Emotional invalidating can also shut the conversation or cause conflict because the person can stay stuck in that feeling and feel misunderstood, making it difficult to move together towards a better emotional state or a solution.

If you want to prevent conflict and avoid hurting another person, be mindful to avoid emotional invalidation, which is the opposite of emotional validation or validating feelings. Emotional invalidation means that a person’s feelings and thoughts are rejected, ignored, or negatively judged. It also means expressing that the person’s feelings and thoughts are not justified, valid, or understandable. Invalidating sends a message that the other person is overreacting or has an incorrect reaction. This type of response is especially hurtful to someone who is emotionally sensitive. When someone is continually in an emotionally invalidating environment, they may become confused and begin to doubt themselves. Such emotional violence can have a serious effect on a person’s self-esteem and mental health in general.

Examples of invalidating expressions to avoid (what not to say):

By avoiding the invalidating sentences above, you can protect relationships, prevent misunderstandings, and create space for emotional validation and empathy.

What Validating Feelings Does Not Mean?

Validating someone’s emotions or feelings does not mean giving up your own experience, agreeing to what is said, accepting harmful behavior, or showing pity.

Validation is Not:

Giving up your own experience. Seeing another person’s perceived reality and validating their feelings does not mean giving up your own perceived reality. We can hold space for and notice different perspectives at the same time. The same situation can cause some feelings and reactions in you (for example, joy) and in another person, very different emotions (for example, disappointment). And these feelings are the reality for both of you, although they are opposing. We can have our feelings and experiences and, at the same time, notice and understand the feelings and experiences of others — even if they are contradictory. For example, by being happy yourself, you can try to understand how and why the other person is sad – and that doesn’t mean you should give up your joy.

Agreeing with the other person. Some people are afraid that validation means agreeing to everything the other person says. Validating someone’s feelings does not mean agreeing, but simply that you see the other’s concern and understand what the other is feeling at the moment. For example, if your friend says, “I feel like no one loves me,” don’t answer, “Yes, no one loves you,” but say something like, “I see that you feel that way, and this topic is important to you. Do you want to talk about it?”

Acceptance of harmful behavior. Validating the feelings of a child or another adult does not mean that any behavior is allowed. You can validate how the other person feels, but that doesn’t mean you approve of their actions. For example, if someone hurts another person while being angry, you can explain how, despite being angry, it’s not okay to behave like that and hurt others. Remember that your own feelings and wellbeing are also important, and the feelings and reactions from others do not mean that you should abandon your own needs. Don’t let someone hurt you, even when their feelings are valid.

Taking pity on someone. When validating emotions and feelings, we should not pity another person. Depending on the situation, you can, of course, express your regret and sadness when something difficult or painful happened to another person, but don’t say, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” because that means that you feel sorry that the person feels this way, not sorry for what happened. Also, avoid phrases like “poor you” and “things like that always happen to you” that send a message as if something is wrong with the person. Taking pity on someone generally does not support the person and can make them feel smaller or less capable.

Barriers When Validating Emotions and Feelings

Our ability and willingness to validate someone’s emotions and feelings can be blocked by limiting beliefs and the tendency to focus on positivity at all costs.

Limiting beliefs. For example, if a parent believes that it is not okay to experience anger, they may embarrass or punish the child who feels angry. This sends a message to the child that anger is not okay, which can lead to them suppressing their anger in the future. In the long run, however, repressed feelings can start harming us. For example, repressed anger can lead to sudden, intense outbursts of anger, depression, or self-harm. A child who feels angry needs understanding and support from a parent. The parent can reflect to the child that they are angry and validate the child’s emotions, and then help them to regulate those emotions if needed, for example, by teaching healthy ways to express anger. It is also helpful to guide the child in exploring what unmet need or unresolved issue lies beneath the anger, and what kind of change or solution could address it.

Example of How to Validate a Child’s Anger:

Focusing only on positivity. If a person tries to focus on the positive at all costs, they may automatically attempt to ignore all negative feelings. Unfortunately, this type of approach sends a signal to the other person that they are okay and can be accepted only when they are feeling a certain way. Focusing on the positive is generally a good idea in life and helps us to notice more opportunities and be more grateful. However, pushing positivity to someone who is experiencing a strong negative emotion can have the opposite effect. As a comparison, imagine someone having a bone fracture. When the bone is broken, it doesn’t help to start singing or trying to find all the positive around us. First, we need to pay attention to this fracture and likely surround the foot with cast. Then we can start healing and moving towards a better feeling state. In the same way, when you have a strong negative emotion or feeling – first notice and validate it, and then you can start moving towards a better feeling state and a more positive state.

Example of How to Validate Someone’s Sadness:

Is It Always Necessary to Validate Feelings?

Of course, it depends on the situation, whether we should validate someone’s emotions and feelings or not. Sometimes validating is not necessary. However, I suggest validating when a person is hurt, upset, and clearly needs some support. You could bring such a difference into this person’s life by being there for them.

Also, I don’t recommend validating in a situation where it could go against your personal boundaries and affect your wellbeing. For example, if someone has very strong negative feelings, it is natural that you may be afraid to lose touch with yourself when going to offer support. First, check-in with yourself and see if you are ready to support that person. Or, if you feel down and not well yourself, this may also not be the best time to provide support and validation for someone else. In the latter case, you can express softly and clearly that you need time for yourself at the moment, and you cannot offer presence or support. Just try not to make the other person feel that they did something wrong when coming to you with their painful experience.

There is also an option that you feel you cannot listen to or validate one specific person anymore. We do not have to validate another’s experience if we cannot or don’t want to do that. This can be especially true if it hurts you that the person has not yet moved towards a solution and repeatedly raises the same painful issue. In some cases, this pattern can turn into what is called “emotional dumping” — when someone repeatedly unloads their emotional pain onto you without taking steps toward resolution. You have the right to set your limit, but try to do so with kindness. If you notice emotional dumping happening, it is okay to kindly redirect the conversation or suggest other sources of support, such as a therapist or counselor. You can also help the other person to find someone who could validate and support them.

Seems Complicated at First? That’s Okay — Learning to Validate Feelings Is a Skill You Can Practice

Unfortunately, most homes and schools do not teach skills like active listening, emotional reflection, and validating someone’s feelings. So it’s completely understandable if you don’t master the art of emotional validation yet. I also didn’t know much about it at first. I started practicing validating feelings and emotions years ago, together with a close friend of mine. At first, it felt a bit awkward. There were moments when we just laughed at how unnatural our answers sounded. By now, offering validation is a natural part of conversations for me. For some people, it will be easier, for others, it will take a little longer — but we can all learn and move towards more understanding, empathy, and better support in relationships.

Tips for Expressing Your Emotions and Feelings Effectively

When we wish to receive emotional validation from others, it is also essential to learn to express our emotions and feelings in a healthy and constructive way. When your message sounds like an accusation or complaint, the other person might get into a defensive state and have a hard time validating your feelings. It is wise to choose your words and tone of voice so that it is easier for others to understand and support you.

When expressing your emotions and feelings, it is crucial to first recognize them, identify them, and then express them in a respectful and non-violent way. It’s often suitable to start with a simple “I feel…” statement. Marshall Rosenberg, in his book “Nonviolent Communication,” provides valuable advice and practical techniques on this subject.

Summary and Final Thoughts

By validating another person’s emotions and feelings, we signal that we have truly listened to them, understand them, and acknowledge what they experienced. Emotional validation helps us to build stronger relationships, understand each other better, prevent conflicts, move towards a solution, increase emotional closeness, and create a greater sense of safety and trust.

Of course, it is not necessary to validate absolutely every emotion, feeling, or experience. At the same time, I invite you to notice those key moments when your loved one, friend, or acquaintance shares something vulnerable with you and may need understanding and validation. We can also learn to notice and reduce our automatic emotion-invalidating responses, which can send a message to someone that their concerns and feelings are somehow wrong or unacceptable.

And my last thought. In this article, I focused primarily on validating emotions and feelings that we perceive as negative or painful, but we can also validate positive emotions, such as, “I see it makes you happy,” “Of course that makes you excited,” “It’s awesome you had that experience.”

Let’s notice, listen, and support each other. ❤️

What are your own experiences with emotional validation and invalidation? Is emotional validation a skill you would like to develop further? I would love to hear your thoughts. 🙂

Thank you for reading! If you found something useful in the article, feel free to share it with others.

And if you’re struggling with strong emotions or would like to improve your emotional validation skills, I am here to support you. You are welcome to reach out for a counseling session or for deeper trauma integration work with The Completion Process. You can contact me via the contact form.