In recent months, I have been reflecting on the topic of responsibility. On taking responsibility for ourselves and for our well-being. Not responsibility as blame, but as a way of reclaiming our power. Especially when we have gotten hurt or been treated unfairly. Or when we feel stuck and deeply wish to move forward again. I am writing in the hope that it may offer support, inspiration, and perhaps a little more clarity and self-compassion.
When something in our life hurts us or does not sit right with us, taking responsibility can begin with noticing what is within our power right now. I connect responsibility with taking our power back – and with returning to the sense that we have choices, that we can lead ourselves, and that we can shape our lives more consciously.
And sometimes responsibility may also simply mean taking care of ourselves. Or accepting that not everything can be changed right now – and choosing to direct our energy and attention toward what is more possible at this moment.
Responsibility Does Not Mean Blaming Ourselves
Responsibility can be a challenging word, because many people connect it with self-blame. That is not how I see it, though I also understand that sometimes it takes time for the word responsibility to start to mean something other than pain, guilt, or burden inside us.
When something has happened to us, taking responsibility does not mean blaming ourselves. It means finding the places where some power and choice are still available to us. Blame often keeps us stuck, while responsibility can help us begin to move forward. We cannot erase what has already happened – but we can still shape how we move forward from here.
In one-to-one work with clients, I do not use the word responsibility because of how loaded it can feel. More often, we speak about possibilities, self-care, and what is within our control right now – simply in softer words. This is a topic I want to approach carefully, because talking about responsibility can, in some situations, feel too harsh or not quite right.
What Is Within Our Power When We Have Been Hurt
It is important to make space for talking about how we were hurt and how we may have been treated unfairly. It can be deeply helpful when we have supportive people around us who understand. These feelings need and deserve to be seen – and this is an important part of healing. I have written more on validating and feeling our feelings here.
At times, however, it can happen that all our attention stays on what another person is doing or has done. This may create the feeling that there is nothing we can do, and that our whole life depends on what someone else does or does not do. When this happens, it can feel as if our power is in someone else’s hands.
In reality, we usually cannot control what other people do. But we often do have some control over what we do. When we take responsibility for our situation, we begin to look for those places where we still have some power and choice. These are the places where we can do something to support ourselves, change the situation, understand it differently, or leave it.
For example, if someone has hurt us, we may still have the possibility to care for ourselves, and to find ways to support and heal ourselves. If we have been hurt or treated unfairly, our responsibility may sometimes simply be to let ourselves feel those feelings and care for ourselves in that moment. Responsibility may also mean standing up for our rights, setting boundaries, or seeking support so that the injustice does not simply remain unaddressed.
Responsibility can be a kind of acceptance: this is our experience right now. And then asking: how can we support ourselves during or after this experience? What steps can we take so that in the future we may notice such situations earlier, prevent some of them, or move through them more consciously?
Later in this article, I will also write about situations where we could not have done anything differently, and we really were helpless – and what support may look like then.
Sometimes Even a Small Realization Can Lead to Change
Years ago, while reading about relationships by the American psychotherapist Katherine Woodward Thomas, one example stayed with me. She wrote that even if 97% of the hurt in a relationship situation comes from the other person, we can still ask: what might be the 3% that is ours to look at?
This does not mean the other person is not responsible for their behavior. And it does not mean we were not hurt. It also does not mean we should take too much responsibility (or responsibility for the other person’s part). But even in difficult relationships, there may be a small part worth exploring for ourselves.
Maybe there are repeated patterns that have led us into painful dynamics. Maybe there is something here that can teach us how to avoid a similar situation in the future. This kind of curiosity is not self-blame – it is a way of getting to know ourselves and our lives more deeply.
If an unpleasant pattern keeps repeating in our life, taking responsibility may start with becoming curious. Why is this pattern here? What might it be trying to show us? What could we become more aware of? What could we do differently next time? Sometimes, even a small realization can start moving our lives in a better direction.
There may also be situations where, in a relationship, we ourselves have acted unfairly or caused suffering to another person. Then our responsibility and opportunity may be to notice our impact, apologize, and try to make amends. We can also work with the automatic reactions and patterns that may hurt both ourselves and others.
When Taking Responsibility Feels Too Hard
If taking responsibility feels too difficult or brings up hopelessness, that too is something we can stay present with.
Sometimes the best thing may simply be to support ourselves in that moment of heaviness and hopelessness. This may mean allowing ourselves to feel what we feel and, if needed, seeking help – for example from someone close to us or from a therapist or counselor. Reading about these topics, reflecting, or trying different supportive practices may also help.
This too is a form of responsibility – caring for ourselves even when we feel overwhelmed or hopeless about a certain issue.
The same is true when we simply do not want to take responsibility for something in our life. Even then, there may still be something we can do. For example, we can become curious about what creates that resistance – or whether it is truly our responsibility in the first place. Often there is an unconscious wish to protect ourselves from some painful consequence. Or there may be a strong feeling that has not yet had enough space and attention, and because of that, it keeps the experience active inside us.
Situations Where We Had No Power
Writing about responsibility would be incomplete if we did not also talk about situations where, as children or even as adults, we were helpless in circumstances we could not change. I will speak more specifically about childhood situations here.
When we speak about painful things that happened in childhood, especially in early childhood, we often truly had no power to change those situations. Children adapt to dysfunctional environments, try to control them, or try to change themselves, but children cannot resolve these situations on their own – that is the responsibility of the adults around them.
So when we speak about childhood pain and childhood trauma, taking responsibility as an adult is not about asking what we should have done differently as a child. A child is not responsible for abuse, neglect, or harm done to them. The question is not: What should I have done differently back then? The question is: What can I do today to support myself and meet some of those unmet needs?
Healing may also include allowing ourselves to realize that once we really were helpless and we really were hurt. It may also mean allowing ourselves to feel these previously suppressed feelings and supporting ourselves through them. In therapy sessions, I have seen many times that when people finally meet those old feelings of childhood helplessness, something meaningful begins to shift. It can be powerful because we are finally turning toward an unfinished experience, allowing the feelings to be felt more fully, and supporting the part of ourselves that carried that helplessness alone for so many years.
When such an experience finally becomes seen and held in a safe environment, it often brings a feeling of empowerment. Part of us is no longer trapped in that helpless place, and we can begin to lead our lives more consciously.
Alongside helplessness, childhood trauma can also lead to carrying too much guilt. In unhealthy environments, children often take on blame that never belonged to them. This makes sense in a painful way: for a child, it can feel easier to believe “it is my fault” and hope that things will change if they just become “better,” rather than face the unbearable truth that they are powerless in a harmful situation. For example, a child may come to believe that getting a bad grade on a school test caused a parent’s next drinking episode. But in reality, the school grade was usually far from the real reason. The parent was unable to cope with their emotions or life difficulties, and alcohol was the only way they knew to cope.
If we experienced emotional abuse, physical abuse, or neglect in childhood, healing may bring a self-compassionate understanding that we really were in a very bad situation that we could not change – and that the situation is over now, and we survived. As adults, we can begin to support ourselves and choose healthier, safer, and more suitable environments. We may even begin to consciously use some of the strengths that helped us survive difficult circumstances in the past. This does not erase what we went through. But it can change how we live from this point on.
It is also worth remembering that each person’s life experience and healing journey is different. Not everything shared here will resonate with everyone in the same moment or in the same way.
Responsibility for Your Life and Moving Forward
Of course, responsibility is not only about situations where we have been hurt. It reaches into many areas of life. We can take responsibility for our health, relationships, finances, home, and many other aspects of our lives. If we have set goals for ourselves, we can take responsibility for acting consistently toward them. If we feel stuck, we can explore what is holding us back and try to find ways forward (if that direction still feels right for us). Sometimes this simply means taking small steps toward what truly matters.
For example, when something important to me has been on hold, and then at some point I begin moving again and get something done, I often feel a kind of momentum return. A small sense of accomplishment. It is as if energy starts moving again, and moving forward feels easier than before.
Is there something in your life right now that you feel called to take more responsibility for or begin moving forward with?
Conclusion
Taking responsibility for our lives is one of the most powerful steps we can take to restore our sense of choice and influence in how our lives move forward.
Often, our feelings and reactions make complete sense, especially when our pain comes from earlier trauma or from situations where we were hurt. Taking responsibility does not mean blaming ourselves. It means noticing where something is possible today. This may mean noticing and changing patterns, setting boundaries, staying with ourselves in difficult moments, or simply accepting something and redirecting our focus. It may also mean beginning to move again, even with one very small step, after feeling stuck for a long time.
Responsibility for our lives is not a burden we must carry. Very often, it is a way of reclaiming an inner power we may have, in one way or another, given away. Often it means drawing our attention back from other people and returning it to ourselves and to what truly matters in our own lives. And sometimes change begins not with a big breakthrough, but with each moment when we start caring for ourselves and for what is important in our lives. 💚